Getting the Love You Want

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Overview

What this book is about

Getting the Love You Want presents Imago Relationship Therapy — a synthesis of depth psychology, behavioural science, Gestalt, Transactional Analysis, systems theory, and Western spirituality — applied to the specific psychology of the male/female love relationship. Hendrix argues that we do not choose partners randomly: we are unconsciously drawn to people whose character traits closely match those of our earliest caretakers, both positive and negative. This "imago match" sets up the expectation that our partner will finally heal the unmet needs of childhood, but because the same person who attracts us also inevitably re-wounds us, every committed relationship eventually slides into a power struggle.

The first half of the book (The Unconscious Marriage) explains why this happens: the old brain — the limbic and reptilian systems — drives mate selection in ways the conscious mind cannot see, encoding a detailed composite image (the imago) of all primary caretakers, then scanning the world for the closest match. Romantic love is the old brain's opening bid: a biologically induced state of euphoria designed to override rational objections and bond two people together long enough for deeper work to begin. When the illusion dissolves, the power struggle erupts as each partner tries to force the other to satisfy needs they cannot even name.

The second half (The Conscious Marriage) maps the therapeutic path out: replacing unconscious reactivity with deliberate, compassionate behaviour. The tools are concrete — structured communication (Mirroring), closing exits, reromanticising, the Stretching exercise, and the Container Transaction for anger — designed to convert frustration into empathy, recover lost parts of the self, and gradually rebuild safety. The book culminates in Part III, a ten-week self-guided course of sixteen exercises that couples can work through at home, session by session, with no therapist required.

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Key Ideas

The core frameworks and findings

The Imago

Your brain has built a composite image of your primary caretakers — their positive and negative traits merged into a single template. You are unconsciously drawn to partners whose character profile best matches this template. The negative traits match more reliably than the positive ones, because those are where your unfinished business lives.

Partner selection is not random

The old brain (limbic/reptilian) performs an instant, unconscious analysis of everyone you meet, comparing them against your imago. When a match is detected, you experience attraction. This explains why couples who seem ill-suited on the surface find each other compulsively attractive.

Romantic love is a biologically induced trance

The euphoria of early love — heightened energy, merger with the other, certainty of having found "the one" — is produced by a cocktail of neurochemicals (dopamine, endorphins, phenylethylamine). It is the old brain's strategy to bond two people together before they have a chance to notice their incompatibilities.

The power struggle is inevitable and purposeful

Once commitment is made, the illusion of romantic love begins to erode. Each partner starts pressing the other to meet needs — many of them unconscious, pre-verbal, dating from infancy — and responds to frustration with the defensive tactics learned in childhood (attacking, withdrawing, crying, criticising). The power struggle is not a sign that you chose the wrong person; it is the beginning of real work.

The old brain versus the new brain

The cerebral cortex (new brain) can learn, adapt, and see other people as they actually are. The old brain (limbic and reptilian) is time-locked, cannot distinguish past from present, and treats a spouse's critical tone as if it were a parent's. Becoming conscious means using the new brain to override the old brain's automatic responses.

The Lost Self and the Disowned Self

To adapt to family and society in childhood, you were forced to suppress large parts of your personality (the "lost self") and to project onto others the parts you denied in yourself (the "disowned self"). You are attracted to a partner who carries your lost qualities — an introvert is drawn to an extrovert — because being with them makes you feel briefly whole.

Projections and transferences

Much of what you dislike intensely about your partner is actually a projection of your own disowned self. The behaviours that trigger your strongest reactions are the ones that mirror what you have had to deny in yourself. Recognising this is the beginning of self-recovery.

Exits drain the relationship

"Exits" are all the activities — work, television, alcohol, excessive socialising, even over-involvement with children — that you use to avoid emotional intimacy with your partner. Closing exits is a prerequisite for doing any meaningful repair work.

Reromanticising: caring behaviours as deliberate gifts

Rather than waiting to feel loving before acting loving, couples are asked to exchange lists of specific, concrete caring behaviours and commit to doing two or three per day, unconditionally, regardless of how they feel. This rebuilds safety and reactivates the neurochemistry of early bonding.

The Stretching Exercise

Transforming your frustrations with your partner into explicit desire-and-request statements, then asking your partner to grant those requests as deliberate acts of growth — not because it feels natural, but precisely because it is against their adaptive character — is the core mechanism of mutual healing. Meeting your partner's deepest needs heals you both.

Couples dialogue (Mirroring)

A structured communication format in which the listener paraphrases exactly what was said and asks "Did I understand you?" before responding. This breaks the pattern of defensive reactivity and creates genuine understanding. Empathy — genuinely imagining your partner's inner world — is the destination.

Containing anger

The Container Transaction and Container Days exercises create a formal structure for expressing anger safely: the frustrated partner asks permission to share, the containing partner listens and mirrors without reacting, and rage is converted into a behaviour-change request rather than a character attack.

The Relationship Vision

Before addressing what is wrong, couples define in specific, present-tense language what kind of relationship they want. This forward-looking commitment becomes the anchor of all subsequent work.

Self-integration as the deeper goal

The ultimate purpose of Imago therapy is not merely to fix a troubled marriage but to use the relationship as the primary vehicle for recovering wholeness: eroding the false self, integrating the disowned self, and reclaiming the lost self. A healed relationship produces more fully human, more psychologically whole people.

Conscious marriage as spiritual journey

Hendrix frames the progression from unconscious to conscious marriage as a spiritual path — one that replaces self-centred gratification-seeking with genuine altruism and transforms the survival anxiety driving the power struggle into compassion for a fellow wounded human being.

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Chapter by chapter — click to expand

§ Part I — The Unconscious Marriage ▾

Biological, exchange, and persona theories of attraction — each insufficient on its own
The role of the unconscious in first encounters; instant character assessment
Magnetic attraction as a signal of imago proximity
Developmental stages and how each generates specific unmet needs (attachment, exploration, identity, competence, intimacy)
The old brain vs. the new brain; why the old brain dominates in intimate relationships
The false self built to protect the authentic self; the lost self and disowned self
Plato's allegory of the split being as mythological parallel
How the imago forms: composite template of primary caretakers, emphasising their negative traits
Why negative traits are more influential in mate selection than positive ones
The imago as silhouette: the unconscious comparison mechanism
Detailed case study of Lynn and Peter, showing how imago traits map to partner traits
Unconscious perception: how we assess strangers in seconds
Neurochemical basis of romantic euphoria (phenylethylamine, endorphins, dopamine)
The merger phenomenon and temporary dissolution of ego boundaries
How romantic love projects positive qualities onto the partner and suppresses negative perception
Romantic love as the old brain's "perfect mate" hypothesis
The transition from romantic love to power struggle triggered by commitment
Unspoken role expectations and how they clash
The cry-or-criticise response: childhood coping tactics deployed in adult relationships
Three stages of the power struggle: anger, negotiation, despair
Why partners cannot consciously understand each other's needs
The toxicity of the power struggle: why couples without tools cannot escape it

§ Part II — The Conscious Marriage ▾

What it means to shift from old brain reactivity to new brain intentionality
Defining the Relationship Vision before beginning any repair work
The twelve-session commitment; why early resistance must be overcome
Fear of intimacy as the mechanism that keeps the power struggle alive
Taxonomy of exits: catastrophic exits (suicide, divorce, murder, insanity) vs. ordinary exits (work, TV, alcohol, affairs, over-parenting)
How exits prevent the accumulation of psychic energy needed for real intimacy
The No-Exit Decision as a prerequisite for all other work
Safety as the precondition for intimacy; why the old brain cannot open in the presence of threat
Reromanticising: caring behaviours as unconditional daily gifts
Surprises and high-energy pleasurable activities to reactivate early bonding
The fear of pleasure: why some people resist being cared for
The four principles of self-knowledge derived from relationship conflict
Projections as mirrors: criticisms of the partner reveal the self
Mirroring as a communication tool: sender-receiver-paraphrase-clarify sequence
Empathy training: moving from reactive to receptive listening
The concept of private semantic universes: why partners do not share the same word-meanings
Frustrations as disguised growth directives
The Stretching Exercise: converting frustration → desire → specific positive request → behaviour change
Why granting partner requests heals the giver as much as the receiver
The mechanism by which one partner's growth triggers growth in the other
The developmental origins of rage: childhood pain that was never permitted expression
Why rage must be expressed rather than suppressed, but within a safe container
The Container Transaction: structured anger expression with no character attacks
Container Days: extended practice to reduce chronic fear of anger
Hendrix's personal account of grief and how it changed him
Extended case studies of two couples (Anne & Albert; a second couple) tracked through unconscious marriage, power struggle, and conscious marriage
How symptoms that seem unrelated to the relationship reveal its hidden dynamics
The journey from surface conflict to underlying wound to growth

§ Part III — The Exercises ▾

Exercise 1: Relationship Vision — list of positive "We" statements in present tense
Exercise 2: Childhood Wounds — guided visualisation of childhood home and caretakers
Exercise 3: Imago Workup — mapping positive and negative caretaker traits; identifying what you wanted and never got
Exercise 4: Childhood Frustrations — recurring frustrations and childhood coping responses
Exercise 5: Partner Profile — mapping partner traits against imago traits
Exercise 6: Unfinished Business — synthesising the above into a hidden relationship agenda statement
Exercise 7: Mirroring — practising structured sender/receiver/paraphrase communication
Exercise 8: The No-Exit Decision — identifying and committing to close ordinary exits
Exercise 9: Reromanticising — exchanging lists of caring behaviours and committing to daily practice
Exercise 10: The Surprise List — secret list of partner pleasures, given at random weekly
Exercise 11: The Fun List — high-energy, pleasurable shared activities done weekly
Exercise 12: Stretching — frustration → desire → specific behaviour-change request; partner grants 3–4 per week
Exercise 13: Container Transaction — standard format for expressing anger constructively
Exercise 14: Container Days (optional) — full-day designated anger expression with role alternation
Exercise 15: Self-Integration — mapping false self, disowned self, and lost self; tracking growth
Exercise 16: Visualisation of Love — closing meditation on the vision of the relationship

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Practical Takeaways

What to actually do with this

1. Create a shared Relationship Vision before addressing any specific conflict. Write positive present-tense "We" statements describing the relationship you want. Post it visibly and read it aloud at the start of every work session.

2. Do the Imago Workup (Exercise 3). List your primary caretakers' positive and negative traits. Then do the Partner Profile (Exercise 5) and compare. The overlap — especially on negative traits — will show you the unconscious driver of your attraction.

3. Identify and close your ordinary exits. Make a comprehensive list of activities you use to avoid emotional presence with your partner. Write a dated, specific agreement committing to reduce them.

4. Do 2–3 caring behaviours daily, unconditionally. Exchange lists of specific behaviours that make each of you feel loved. Do them regardless of how you feel toward your partner that day. Treat them as gifts, not transactions.

5. Use the Mirroring format for any conversation involving feelings. Sender speaks one sentence. Receiver paraphrases and asks "Did I understand you?" Sender corrects until paraphrase is accurate. Only then switch. This prevents reactive cycles.

6. Convert frustrations into desire-and-request statements (Stretching). Instead of complaining ("you always ignore me"), identify the underlying desire ("I want to feel heard") and make a specific, positive, behavioural request ("when I'm upset, please put down what you're doing and give me your full attention for ten minutes"). Grant 3–4 of your partner's requests per week.

7. Use the Container Transaction for anger. Ask "I have a frustration — are you willing to listen?" Wait for readiness. Express anger without name-calling or character attacks. Receiving partner mirrors only. Convert frustration into a behaviour-change request afterward.

8. Plan at least one surprise for your partner each week. Keep a secret list of things you know would please them. Deliver at random times to rebuild positive anticipation.

9. Schedule one high-energy pleasurable activity per week together. Physical, face-to-face, embodied — dancing, sport, massage, swimming. Do it even when you do not feel like it; the feeling follows the behaviour.

10. Treat your strongest criticisms of your partner as clues about your own lost or disowned self. Ask: "If I had that quality, what would I be doing differently?" Then consciously develop it in yourself.

11. Recognise the power struggle as a sign that real work is possible, not that the relationship is wrong. The intensity of the conflict correlates with the depth of the imago match — and therefore with the potential for mutual healing.

12. Maintain the ten-week structure. Each session has a fixed sequence. Do not skip exercises, alter instructions, or declare the work complete prematurely. Resistance during the harder exercises is when the work is most needed.

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Overview

Key Ideas

Contents

Practical Takeaways

See Also